Touch Darts -- That's a Command

Continuing right along in our developing string of write-ups on games bound to sell only to the uninformed and cheap, today we bring you all the information you could possibly ever want on the newest game from Agetec, Inc.: Touch Darts. And we're worried about what GTA4 is doing to kids when games like this exist, blatantly telling commanding our children to touch sharp things? To shame! Either way, just like regretful Agetec titles Cookie & Cream and Puzzle Guzzle before it, Touch Darts sets out to entertain through mini-games and kid friendly themes (though the vast majority of dart playing in this country takes place in 21+ bars...) while simultaneously creating a game that isn't necessarily perfect on a Nintendo DS. If we've said it once, we've said it a thousand times: don't use the touch screen/microphone on the DS unless it makes sense.


Either way, according to Agetec (we feel as though they at least deserve to say their piece), "This game will make you feel as if you were really in your living room, at your friend’s house, in the pub, or in a tournament tossing darts." We're going to go all the way crazy here and guess that even if Rockstar Games themselves developed this title, ain't no way a Nintendo DS is going to emulate the pub. Maybe if there was an old drunk blowing smoke through the DS' speakers? We digress. As you can see to the right, the two tiny screens are more than chock full of information (and a watermark, thanks IGN), providing you with all pertinent information required for a real game of video darts. All in all, though this game very well may be a diamond in the rough, we're putting our money on the other pony -- any other pony -- this time. However, if you are interested, Touch Darts will be released in North America in June. Me? I'll be at the bar with Brucie, tossing darts a little differently.

SAT Company Developing Test Prep 'Game'

Couldn't they have done this six years ago and saved me the $800 spent on taking an actual Kaplan SAT prep class? Newsweek's own N'Gai Croal, on his Level Up blog, this morning posted the scoop! wherein Kaplan, "will announce that it is partnering with Aspyr Media to develop an as-yet-untitled SAT test prep game for the Nintendo DS." They've even been so nice as to provide Mr. Croal with a mock-up of the game's character and main screen -- the excitement! -- as you see on the left. According to the aforementioned scoop, "'This is not a study break,' Staloch told us last week during a phone interview. 'This is a way to prepare for the test.'"

The game's main character will apparently, "evolve as you play, doing different animations, opening up different customizations, etc." Though still a long way off, the idea of using a DS to solve logic problems sounds eerily enchanting. With some Professor Layton style storytelling, games like this could be a giant step towards new forms of education entertainment edutainment. At very least, this is a great way for more kids to access this kind of help without paying out the nose -- seriously, we just got off the phone with the folks at Kaplan and it's $1099 for the cheapest SAT Prep package. What the hell?! Luckily, kids today will only have to blame their own inadequacies at playing games if their score is too low. In your face, current generation!

One Video Will Make You Sick, One Video Will Make You Laugh -- Will You Choose Wisely?

Guitar Hero: On Tour is something we've known about for some time. Repeated "leaks" (intentional or not) as well as straightforward answers have answered most of the very few questions people had regarding this game. Are you excited to bring a guitar peripheral with you for your DS? Yeah, thought so. Anyways, though we're not the biggest fans of Fox owned IGN (and not because it's Fox owned, but because it's a hack videogame website), they got that exclusive on the GH:OT reveal and we must give credit where credit is due (though we suggest you surf away from IGN quickly afterwards, as though a panther were chasing you.)

In case you'd rather not explore the horrible promotional video yourself, here's a breakdown: There's two middle-class, teenage white kids. They plug in a bunch of real band equipment (read as: cabinets, heads, generic amp switch-flipping), open their real electric guitar cases, only to find a DS Lite and a tiny little Guitar Hero themed peripheral -- this is where things get really crazy. They realize that their only possible option is also the most obvious one: they must look as silly as possible trying their best to play Guitar Hero (with only four fret buttons, mind you), rocking as hard as they have to (with a DS and a little fret board with, again, only four buttons, that plugs into their DS' GBA slot.

All in all, I'd say you shouldn't watch it, though in fairness, you do see actual gameplay (which looks about as ridiculous as you're imagining right now -- maybe more.) If you're one of those folks out there getting psyched for this, well, you're nuts. But that's ok, because so are we, though we don't share in your excitement. There are many ways to be nuts -- jeez. Now, if you've endured the video above, you should bask in the bedlam and additionally watch the completely NSFW and totally not videogame related video below. And remember, "RESPECTA LA DONA!" Oh my!