Do you see that, loyal Guitar Hero players? Take a good look at it. Activision will have you believe that it is Guitar Hero: On Tour, releasing on the Nintendo DS in June. I see it as something different: it is the symbol of Activision’s mutation of Guitar Hero as a respectable franchise into a cash cow.
Before I degrade Guitar Hero: On Tour, here’s what it’s all about. Activision wanted to make Guitar Hero go wherever you go, not unlike a stalker. Worse, instead of dressing the stalker up like a shady dude and making him look creepy, they’ve disguised this stalker as one of your best and most loyal friends.
In order to wield the beast you see above, you must hold your Nintendo DS in what is called “vertical book orientation” (see Brain Age.) For strumming, you will use a “specialized stylus-shaped pick” to strum. For hold notes, performing small rotations on the string will activate the whammy effect. For fretting, Activision has decided to include a small peripheral that has four buttons – translation: the orange button got axed.
Now there are a million reasons why this is going to make me angry, but near the top of the list is the lack of orange. Of all my friends, I know that many of them were doing fine (playing GH 1-3) on Easy and Medium but hit a brick wall on Hard and Expert simply because of the orange button (though in Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock, “Raining Blood” sufficed as the block.)
So without the orange, consider this: many of your favorite Guitar Hero tracks would be impossible. The following tracks would not have been possible without orange: “Jordan,” “Hangar 18,” “Raining Blood,” “Through the Fire and the Flames,” “YYZ,” and many other songs, just to name a few. Furthermore, without orange, the game technically should have no higher difficulty than Medium, though I imagine they’ll be upping the complication and frequency of the buttons to make up for this (poorly.)
What else is wrong with the game? Plenty. The arrangement of the buttons is a big mistake -- you’re going to hold this thing out in front of you, and strum onto the DS (which I’m sure will result in plenty of sobbing children, broken DS on the ground.) The challenge of this game is going to be non-existent; finger-tapping, a skill that only the Guitar Hero elite possessed before, will now be available to the masses.
The developers decided at this point, “Hey, you’re already looking silly enough, what with a large multicolored tumor sticking out from your DS! Forget about tilting anything to activate “Star Power,” let’s make you shout at your handheld gaming system!” That’s right, Activision has decided that in order to activate “Star Power,” you’re going to have to exclaim “Rock Out!” into the Nintendo DS’ pitiful powerful microphone. This is one of those ideas. You know those ideas. Conceptually it’s not a bad idea, until anyone asks a question like, “Isn’t this a portable system? Won’t people look like complete asses shouting into their portable system?”
If it’s portable, why do I have to scream at the Nintendo DS? I, like many other commuters, play my Nintendo DS along my commute. I’m quite sure that no one sharing a bus or train with me will be bothered by me repeatedly screaming “Rock Out!” at my Nintendo DS until it finally complied (if it ever does) while they are trying to read their newspapers. Considering QPHQ is based out of Philadelphia, chances are I’d end up shot. And probably laughed at by the other passengers (that’s AFTER the shooting.)
Talking about any Guitar Hero game would be impossible without mention of the track list. While no particular songs have been announced, there is discussion of getting master tracks from Nirvana, OK Go, and No Doubt. (A song by OK Go, “Do What You Want,” was used in the official trailer, but since Velvet Revolver’s “Slither,” was used in the trailer for Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock, and did not appear in the game until much later as downloadable content, don’t hold your breath for “Do What You Want.”)
I visited the official website for Guitar Hero: On Tour to try and find more about the soundtrack and all I could find was this snippet, "the most diverse set of master tracks ever on a Guitar Hero game." Ironically, the game’s press release had more info than the promotional website, stating, “the most diverse set list of master tracks ever offered in a Guitar Hero game, including classic rock, alternative and pop favorites such as Nirvana, OK Go and No Doubt.” I’m wondering just how much “diversity” Activision will squeeze onto that little Nintendo DS cartridge, but I guess I’ll found out in June.
Like so many other Guitar Hero loyalists, I shivered at the thought of this game. Now it’s apparent that my worst nightmare is coming true; Guitar Hero sold out. Activision has become so concerned with putting out a new Guitar Hero every October, creating nonsense expansion packs, and now, producing a ridiculous incarnation of the game, I’m afraid they’ve forgotten what this franchise is about -- sitting back with a couple friends and feeling like an idiot as you rock out in your living room.
Look forward to the exciting second part of this article in June when I will blow $49.99 on Guitar Hero: On Tour just to spare all of you from having to buy it.
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