Can You Kill a Legend? Apparently.

We can't help it -- at this point, we're kind of developing a theme here. Another day has passed and thus, another silly press release detailing another poor-to-middling game has washed up on the shores of QPHQ, rife with exaggerated adjectives and plenty of symbols (^® and TM, specifically), patiently awaiting our careful snarkiness scrutiny.

This time it's not a game about touching sharp objects or jamming as many mini-games onto a single disc as possible (for Wii? NEVER!) but something you've totally heard of...wait for it...Cabela's Legendary Adventures! Remember all those weekends you went hunting with Pah and your black-mouthed cur Rufus? Remember all those white-tailed deer you two shot together, laughing and whooping as mead ran down your respective beards? Yeah, I don't either but you can certainly try and live out these mis-adventures in CLA when it releases this Fall. In fact, you can shoot more than just Bambi's white-tailed mother!

Yukon moose? Yup. Alaskan brown bear? You'd better believe it. Roosevelt elk? Okay, no Roosevelt elk. KIDDING! Roosevelt elk confirmed! Okay, okay, enough. This is a franchise that has existed for it's fair share of versions at this point and we're willing to bet the videogamer/hunter, just like the videogamer/car enthusiast, will run out and buy this one without hesitation.

Those of you out there waiting for your next-gen (current-gen, we're from now on calling Xbox 360 and PS3 current-gen) hunting experience will have to wait though, as Cabela's Legendary Adventures will only be released on PSP, Wii and PS2. And unlike yesterday's press release of doom, today's actually got me interested in playing a game that I've never given a shot before. Just like that. Any QP'ers out there looking forward to getting your hunt on?

Guitar Hero Goes "On Tour"...Loyal Fans Lament

Do you see that, loyal Guitar Hero players? Take a good look at it. Activision will have you believe that it is Guitar Hero: On Tour, releasing on the Nintendo DS in June. I see it as something different: it is the symbol of Activision’s mutation of Guitar Hero as a respectable franchise into a cash cow.

Before I degrade Guitar Hero: On Tour, here’s what it’s all about. Activision wanted to make Guitar Hero go wherever you go, not unlike a stalker. Worse, instead of dressing the stalker up like a shady dude and making him look creepy, they’ve disguised this stalker as one of your best and most loyal friends.

In order to wield the beast you see above, you must hold your Nintendo DS in what is called “vertical book orientation” (see Brain Age.) For strumming, you will use a “specialized stylus-shaped pick” to strum. For hold notes, performing small rotations on the string will activate the whammy effect. For fretting, Activision has decided to include a small peripheral that has four buttons – translation: the orange button got axed.

Now there are a million reasons why this is going to make me angry, but near the top of the list is the lack of orange. Of all my friends, I know that many of them were doing fine (playing GH 1-3) on Easy and Medium but hit a brick wall on Hard and Expert simply because of the orange button (though in Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock, “Raining Blood” sufficed as the block.)

So without the orange, consider this: many of your favorite Guitar Hero tracks would be impossible. The following tracks would not have been possible without orange: “Jordan,” “Hangar 18,” “Raining Blood,” “Through the Fire and the Flames,” “YYZ,” and many other songs, just to name a few. Furthermore, without orange, the game technically should have no higher difficulty than Medium, though I imagine they’ll be upping the complication and frequency of the buttons to make up for this (poorly.)

What else is wrong with the game? Plenty. The arrangement of the buttons is a big mistake -- you’re going to hold this thing out in front of you, and strum onto the DS (which I’m sure will result in plenty of sobbing children, broken DS on the ground.) The challenge of this game is going to be non-existent; finger-tapping, a skill that only the Guitar Hero elite possessed before, will now be available to the masses.

The developers decided at this point, “Hey, you’re already looking silly enough, what with a large multicolored tumor sticking out from your DS! Forget about tilting anything to activate “Star Power,” let’s make you shout at your handheld gaming system!” That’s right, Activision has decided that in order to activate “Star Power,” you’re going to have to exclaim “Rock Out!” into the Nintendo DS’ pitiful powerful microphone. This is one of those ideas. You know those ideas. Conceptually it’s not a bad idea, until anyone asks a question like, “Isn’t this a portable system? Won’t people look like complete asses shouting into their portable system?”

If it’s portable, why do I have to scream at the Nintendo DS? I, like many other commuters, play my Nintendo DS along my commute. I’m quite sure that no one sharing a bus or train with me will be bothered by me repeatedly screaming “Rock Out!” at my Nintendo DS until it finally complied (if it ever does) while they are trying to read their newspapers. Considering QPHQ is based out of Philadelphia, chances are I’d end up shot. And probably laughed at by the other passengers (that’s AFTER the shooting.)

Talking about any Guitar Hero game would be impossible without mention of the track list. While no particular songs have been announced, there is discussion of getting master tracks from Nirvana, OK Go, and No Doubt. (A song by OK Go, “Do What You Want,” was used in the official trailer, but since Velvet Revolver’s “Slither,” was used in the trailer for Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock, and did not appear in the game until much later as downloadable content, don’t hold your breath for “Do What You Want.”)

I visited the official website for Guitar Hero: On Tour to try and find more about the soundtrack and all I could find was this snippet, "the most diverse set of master tracks ever on a Guitar Hero game." Ironically, the game’s press release had more info than the promotional website, stating, “the most diverse set list of master tracks ever offered in a Guitar Hero game, including classic rock, alternative and pop favorites such as Nirvana, OK Go and No Doubt.” I’m wondering just how much “diversity” Activision will squeeze onto that little Nintendo DS cartridge, but I guess I’ll found out in June.

Like so many other Guitar Hero loyalists, I shivered at the thought of this game. Now it’s apparent that my worst nightmare is coming true; Guitar Hero sold out. Activision has become so concerned with putting out a new Guitar Hero every October, creating nonsense expansion packs, and now, producing a ridiculous incarnation of the game, I’m afraid they’ve forgotten what this franchise is about -- sitting back with a couple friends and feeling like an idiot as you rock out in your living room.

Look forward to the exciting second part of this article in June when I will blow $49.99 on Guitar Hero: On Tour just to spare all of you from having to buy it.

That Voice Just Come Outta That White Boy?

Is it rockin'? It's sooo rockin', and you damn well know it. Is it really getting rickrolled if you know what you're getting into? Hawty McBloggy, though conspicuous in her post (and hilarious in her title), pointed us over to a terrifying possibility -- Guitar Hero: Rick Astley. Does Activision know they're about to become the winningest developer in the whole world? Okay, this is just a user created situation above, but still, the possibility alone is diaper-soiling terrifying! Be glad you haven't seen pictures of the smallest girl in the world yet. Uh oh...now you've seen both and you're tainted like me! Good luck!

Teenage Kicks All Through the Night, Come On!

Normally we keep ourselves from commenting on rumor and speculation, but here we are, doing just that. Our favorite (English) clandestine writer Surfer Girls Reviews Star Wars has just let all of us in the intertubes know that Guitar Hero IV will include cult classic "Teenage Kicks" by The Undertones, and we can't help it -- it's one of our favorites.

In case you were wondering, The Undertones are known for being an awesome band that toured with The Clash years ago. Does this have anything to do with videogames? Only in the sense that it's appearing in a game we're thoroughly disinterested in otherwise (weekly updates from Rock Band anyone?) Enjoy the video though. The Undertones are fantastic!

Activision CEO Hints at New Guitar Hero Peripherals, Call of Duty MMO Future

In a speech given at the 2008 Morgan Stanley Technology Conference in Dana Point, California yesterday, Activision/Actiblizzard/Blizzavision Chairman and CEO Robert Kotick made some interesting statements regarding the future of two of Activision's biggest franchises -- Call of Duty and Guitar Hero. However, Activision would like you to know this before you know anything about this speech:

"During the course of the presentation, Activision may make forward-looking statements regarding future events or the future financial performance of the company. We wish to caution you that these statements are only predictions and actual events or results may differ materially. We refer you to the company's last Form 10-K and Form 10-Q for a discussion of important risk factors that could cause the actual results to differ materially from those discussed during the course of the presentation."

For serious? So, hey, we're making these statements about the future of our company but, you know, don't take it too seriously. Anyways, there was real news. Regarding the future of Guitar Hero, there were musings regarding getting it into more, Asianer, homes and how they're going to accomplish that with new pahdnah Blizzard.

More interesting though was the discussions regarding the future of the Call of Duty franchise:

"When you think about other properties that we own and control like Call of Duty, and what would be the natural evolution of a property like Call of Duty into a massively multiplayer environment...how do you monetize that?"

Indeed Mr. Kotick, how do you monetize that? Your new friends at Blizzard monetized the hell out of their over nine million worldwide subscriber strong World of Warcraft -- we're sure you guys can work out something (you bastards.)

Missed Steaks: Guitar Hero: Aerosmith

The folks at QPHQ are a wiley bunch and we love us some peripheral-based shennaniganery -- that's why we were nothing but excited to hear about Activision not only beating a dead horse with a plastic guitar, but then also selling the dead horse to the highest bidder. Guitar Hero: Aerosmith is a damned abomination. This is big corporations running the videogame industry as hard and as fast as they can directly into the concrete.

Check out this ridiculous Steven Tyler quote, clearly doctored by P.R. to appear as silly and non-genuine as possible:

Steven Tyler: "Any band that can go from 'Don't Want to Miss A Thing' (Aerosmith's #1 smash hit) to the ass-kicking 'Sweet Emotion' to the cheekiness of 'Love in an Elevator,' to the classic ballad 'Dream On' shows why Activision chose us to headline this game based on the diversity of the Aerosmith catalog. Not only is songwriting a bitch, but then it goes and has puppies."

We're not huge Aerosmith fans here, though if this was a new Guitar Hero based solely around say, Captain and Tennille, we can't say we'd feel that much differently (though C&T are the best.) Here's hoping those puppies get euthanized, Mr. Tyler. Oh, and thanks for ruining a beautiful Saturday, Activision.

(via Activision)