Journalistic Integrity? What's That?

We're not exactly known for our hard hitting investigative reporting and industry-wide criticisms here at Quarterplay (though it is known to happen), but as a major of journalism and a believer in journalistic integrity, it would be flat out impossible for me, personally, to not post something regarding the recent "McIGN" statements made by everyone's favorite videogame rumor blog, Surfer Girls Reviews Star Wars.

He/she tears apart recent posts by IGN Nintendo Associate Editor Daemon Hatfield as well as IGN Nintendo editor in chief Matt Casamassina, citing misinformation and editorial mixing with advertising. I'm not one to take many stances, especially regarding my career and it's future, but as I've been saying in person to friends for the past few years, IGN is a terrible website. The fact that it's Fox-owned doesn't help, but it's terrible writing combined with it's "fuck everyone else" attitude, as a human being, pushes me elsewhere. Remember IGN's Hilary Goldstein taking potshots at CheapyD (of CheapAssGamer fame) on his podcast? I sure do, and I'm willing to bet CheapyD does as well.

The gaming community has little space for tough guy jerks and elitist mentality. Personally, I listen to about eight or nine gaming podcasts a week and not a single one is from IGN. I tried -- they're not funny and they're smattered with arrogance. So let me be the first, speaking for myself and not for Quarterplay on the whole, to say this: No more IGN. In the immortal words of Hans Moleman, "Let's not listen."


PS: The picture at the top is for real, and thus, "McIGN." GameSpot is notorious for skinning their site in ads as well (remember the Kane & Lynch fiasco?), so we're not sayin' anything about this. Hell, if you want to skin Quarterplay in Target ads and pay off my college loan, go for it. It does look ridiculous though, let's be honest.

Assault Heroes 2 Gets Dated, Detailed

Hot off the steamy, giant, interconnected tubes comes news today that a sequel to everyone's favorite Smash TV ripoff is coming to Xbox Live Arcade on May 14th. You guessed it (clearly with help from the picture to your left) -- Assault Heroes 2 has been slated for the aforementioned mid-May release, bringing with it, "hi-jackable enemy vehicles, more levels and enhanced on-foot and co-operative gameplay modes."

We suppose that the whole vehicles thing helps separate this from it's many top-down shooter brethren, though it's thinly veiled yet takes-itself-too-seriously story didn't help differentiate it the first time around. IGN had a lovefest with the first one, though they did agree that it's story was as silly as the fact that they tried implementing a story into an XBLA game. If you, like us, spent nine straight hours playing Ikari Warriors when you were a child just to see it's stupid, stupid ending, then you may have burnt out on these (completely infuriating) kind of games a little while ago. For the rest of you, Assault Heroes 2 comes out in two weeks. At the very worst it's a possible 200 Nerd Points, but who're we kidding, you'll be playing GTA4 with us online, right?

Microsoft (Barely) Details GTA4 Exclusive DLC Release Date

Continuing the deluge of Grand Theft Auto 4 information, a press release from Microsoft today notes, "Starting this autumn, Xbox 360 owners will also have access to exclusive Grand Theft Auto IV episodes that will provide hours of additional game play." This autumn being officially September 21st through December 20th, we're going all the way crazy and saying this date's just a bit hazy in it's specifics. Considering I'm roughly five percent through the main story and have owned it for five hours or so, they can take all the time they need -- for now. Us here at QP will of course keep you updated as more details unfold.

Launch of the Year? GTA4 Midnight Release, Philly Style

As people waking up for class/work in the next five or six hours, it'd be hard to say we're glad that Grand Theft Auto 4 inspired GameStop (among other retailers) to hold midnight release events wherein you arrive late at night, buy your copy of the game ('Would you like a strategy guide with that? 20% off if you buy it with the game!') and then proceed to go home and play it well past any reasonable hour (it's currently 3:30 in the morning.) That last part, we suppose, is optional, though hardly controllable. We arrived at the local area GameStop around 11:40, debit card in hand, and $64.19 later, we were lining up to wait out the rest of the hour with everyone else. The line, as you can sort of see, was extensive, though not disabling so. As detailed in our previous midnight release coverage, this particular GameStop location handles events such as these with relative ease -- politely ushering everyone in and out, keeping people informed and generally making the situation a pleasant one.

In the intermediary, we took time to speak with the lucky group of fellas heading up the (by midnight) 200+ person raving beast we dare call a "line." Anthony, Joe and Rob like Grand Theft Auto quite a bit -- not necessarily first-in-line-at-a-Star-Wars-opening level excitement, but excited enough that they arrived three hours ahead of time. (We should mention, though located within Philadelphia city limits, this particular GameStop location isn't exactly in an exciting neighborhood, so three hours here means something.) Anthony was the glorified gamer among the group, having played and completed nearly all GTA's, excluding only Vice City Stories for the PSP and having started with number two on the Playstation 1. GTA3 was the majority favorite among these guys, who were all prepared to go home and start immediately.

Upon exiting the glowing light of GameStop's front windows and seeing the line for what it had truly become, we snapped another shot to our best ability (which is to say very little), and QP blogger extraordinaire Shawn Annable noted, "There have to be at least 200 people here. This is nuts." Within minutes the clock had struck midnight and the line began moving -- fast.

As you can clearly see, we certainly didn't leave empty handed. A quick trip to the nearby Wendy's to insure gastrointestinal problems later in the night sealed our adventure with a greasy and over-processed kiss. In case you were wondering, the mysterious markings on my receipt are just a few of the Ancient Druid rune writings, passed down centuries upon centuries through dynasty to dynasty of GameStop Regional Managers. It's beauty knows no bounds.

It's currently 4:30 in the a.m. when I type these last words, half wired on coffee/half asleep from exhaustion. We're glad GTA4 came out on a Monday, seriously.

Uwe Bolls Wants to Beat Your $#%, Michael Bay

It would be straight up unfair to not mention this to you fine folks. Known for directing such classy films as Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead, Uwe Boll has made a name for himself by inspiring hate as a byproduct of his work (especially from gamers.) His latest film, Postal, based on the terrible game of the same name has him back in the news, this time challenging Michael Bay (yes, that Michael Bay) to a boxing match after Bay had the gall to say he didn't care about Mr. Salad, er, Mr. Boll. This kind of thing wouldn't even normally be tied to his terrible productions, but this time his public statement of idiocy is meant to inspire folks who were out there fence sitting about seeing it. So in other words, this is targeted at nobody. It is, however, hilarious. Good luck removing Uwe-isms from your daily conversations!

Casual Monday -- Back On the Horse Edition

Another week, another bloody fight to the death, er, free casual game, just for you! This week we bring you a throwback to the future with Noitu Love & the Army of Grinning Darns, a title straight outta konjak.org that's spilling over the top with 16/32-bit era goodness. It's kind of like MegaMan, it's kind of like Castlevania and it's 100% free to download (unlike it's sequely brother, most recently featured on the 1UP Show.)

The game is an interesting twist on a classic platformer setup in that it changes how you interact with the enemies -- more specifically, this game is a combination of Final Fight/Double Dragon and MegaMan. You are guiding your character with the typical 'wasd' setup and attacking enemies with the click of your mouse. (Nearly) more important than any of this: Noitu Love was made by a single man. Dude did the music, art, programming, testing...everything. You may want to check out the game based on this impressive caveat alone. And with that, we'll leave you to your murdering, you murderer.

Hardcore Gamers, Going Soft

Apparently, I'm going through a mid-life gaming crisis. According to Techradar, as a gamer, I am, as they so gently put it, "no longer a hardcore gamer." Sad!

Here are the things on their list that apply to me.

"You prefer playing against the computer."
I don't think that makes me an old fogey, I think that just means that I don't like playing with homophobic fanboys who shriek into the microphone.

"You believe that winning isn't everything."
Winning is fun, sure, but I don't usually get my panties in a wad if I don't win. Unless it's GoldenEye.

"It's been days, not hours since you last switched on your console."
Um, make that "weeks." I've been busy!

"You avoid playing on the Wii because it’s too much effort."
I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that, actually. I even get annoyed that I have to use the Wiimote in order to get into a game I have on the Virtual Console (Donkey Kong Country, anyone?)

"Your FPS experience consists of spawn, run, die... spawn, run, die... spawn..."
That's just because I suck at FPSs. Except GoldenEye (which I'm still good at, thankyouverymuch).

"You find the idea of videogames based on board games perfectly acceptable."
Many a fifth grade recess was spent inside with a group of friends huddled around the computer playing Monopoly. The fact that a new Monopoly game is coming out later this year has not escaped my notice. (Merely three years older than Katie, I've only played Monopoly on an actual, physical board. Weird. - Ed.)

"You've pre-ordered GTA IV but don't mind if it doesn't turn up on launch day."
Actually, I haven't pre-ordered GTA4. I probably won't get it until sometime in May, and I'm perfectly OK with that.


So there you go. Personally, I call bullshit. If all my years of gaming have turned me into a snob who doesn't like to play with other people and is perfectly content to not play games for a while, does that make me any less "hardcore"? Actually...don't answer that.

Grand Theft Auto IV: A Brutal New World

One of Colorado's major newspapers, the Rocky Mountain News, published a piece in today's Spotlight on Grand Theft Auto IV, written by Kotaku's big daddy Brian Crecente. While the story is understandably a bit watered down for mainstream readers, it's a nice overview of the game as a whole. Plus, it's in a Colorado newspaper, which automatically makes it awesome.

Now, excuse me while I go slit my wrists in the bathroom because I won't be able to get GTA4 along with everyone else this Tuesday. Stupid college. Though we will be posting our review of the upcoming blockbuster (we hope) by week's end.

Week-End Podcast Roundup -- Harder Than Ikari Warriors Edition

As the BigBoss around QP, it is my privilege to choose what we do and do not present on this fine website. By that same extension, it is also my responsibility to deliver interesting content for you fine folks, soaring through these large, interconnected tubes, on a daily basis -- and on that level, I have failed you this week.

Lucky for you, we have additional writers, filling in while I slack, and producing not only an excellent review of Metroid Prime 3: Corruption but also bringing you an additional (free) casual game (though it's the hardest game we've ever played -- yes, harder than Ikari Warriors.) Either way, we've brought you the weekly podcasts with some addendums to the norm, fitting accordingly -- 'weekend confirmed?' Yeah, totally confirmed.

GFW Radio (feat. Jeff Green, Shawn Elliott, Sean Malloy, and Ryan Scott)
The GiantBombcast (feat. Jeff Gerstmann and Ryan Davis)
Joystiq Podcast (feat. Chris Grant, Ludwig Kietzmann and Justic McElroy)
The CAGcast (feat Cheapy D and Wombat)
The 1UP Show and 1UP Yours Podcast (feat. Garnett Lee, Shane Bettenhausen, ???, and Shawn Elliott)

As always, try not and go directly to your metaphorical creamy center of podcast listening goodness (it's hard not to put on GFW Radio immediately when it downloads, even though I'm already listening to Game Theory.) Seeya over the weekend, posts and all.

God&%$@ Mother@&#$ Ape*@&&#$@* @&#*Locker: The Metroid Prime 3: Corruption Review

Developer: Retro Studios
Publisher: Nintendo

Ok, so if Samus had conceived a child she'd be due in the next few weeks. We're a little late with the review. Also don't let the title of the review fool you, Metroid Prime 3: Corruption is a very good game.

Corruption takes place after the events of Metroid Prime: Echoes. Having destroyed Dark Samus and sealing the 'Dark Aether.' Samus enjoys an unspecified amount of vacation time until those pesky space pirates stumble ass backwards, yet again, into a plan to control the universe by infecting all living things with Phazon. Their plan this time? Crash giant Phazon corrupted 'seeds' into planets and let the virus do it's thang.

Corruption re-introduces the space travel and ship concepts from it's DS sibling Metroid Prime: Hunters. Instead of being dropped off on a planet and left to fend for yourself you now have the ability to fly between different landing sites on a planet, and between several planets themselves encompassed within two galaxies. The ship also plays an integral role in helping you advance the story. You can upgrade your ship with different attachments, and increase it's missile carrying capacity. Oh, did I mention you can call in air strikes (however scripted they may be) with your ship now?

One of the big things Retro Studios did right this time around was strip down the gameplay. Don't get me wrong Metroid Prime was an awesome game with equal if not better gameplay than Super Metroid, but looking back there were maybe too many suit upgrades. In the first Prime you had four different guns, and four different visors. Depending on what kind of variety of enemies you were facing you would have to switch your gun and visors several times in a single room. Corruption takes most of the guesswork out of which gun is the most effective in a certain situation by simply replacing your old buster with a more powerful one whenever you upgrade your gun. You're also limited to three visors, the old standbys Scan and X-Ray, and the new Ship visor which you use to call air strikes, pick up large items, or simply call your ship to a landing zone. To compliment these upgrades Retro Studios added a little caveat called 'hyper mode' which allows you inject Phazon into yourself and dramatically increase the damage of all your attacks.

This installment of the Metroid Prime series is much more of a puzzler than previous ones. On several occasions you'll find yourself locked in a room until you figure out how to accomplish a series of tasks that allows you access to another room or a suit upgrade. Yes, I realize you do this in the previous games as well, but the puzzle element has definitely been amped up in this game. Parts of levels will be destroyed tasking you with having to find alternate routes around the different planets. All around you'll find yourself doing much more thinking than shooting in this game.

Now my justification for the title of this review. Enemies are frustratingly resilient in this game. Much like Samus herself they can enter 'hyper mode' and unleash some powerful attacks. The big problem is that there are no middle weight enemies. You either take them out with one or two shots, or fight them for a good minute.

Don't even get me started on bosses. Each boss fight, honestly, seriously, no joke, will take at least 15 minutes. From the very first boss up until Dark Samus. After fighting one of the bosses for a solid 10 minutes I got his health down to just a nugget of power, just one hit, and he entered a phase where I couldn't attack him. I screamed in rage, "For Fucks Sake!" because I had to fight him for another five minutes before he became vulnerable again. That was somewhere near the halfway point, and yes they do get successively harder. Let's face it, the Wiimote is not the most comfortable controller to use, and after about 10 minutes of intense fighting you start to feel some pain in that space between your thumb and pointer finger. Yeah -- you know what I'm talking about.

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption is one of the most beautiful and detailed games I've seen on the Wii. While it loses some of it's original novelty in that you're not isolated on a planet left to on the figure out an eerie mystery, and you have to deal with other people, it still holds up to Super Metroid and Metroid Prime. (Why didn't I include Echoes in that previous statement? Because Echoes was a linear, restrictive piece of [End])

Prepare your hands now, cause they're gonna get fucked.

Miyamoto Gets Totilo'd

In a recent interview for MTV News, Stephen Totilo (of Multiplayer fame) got to sit down with Wii Fit creator Shigeru Miyamoto (who you may have heard of.) Conversation ran the gamut, with talk not just of Wii Fit's place in the modern gaming industry but also Mr. Miyamoto's response to the hardcore gamer backlash surrounding it's release as well as why Nintendo characters don't appear in the 'game.' Here's a little jewel plucked straight from the middle:

MTV News: Would it have been going too far to put Mario in it and make it “Mario Fit“? Would that have ruined the feel you were trying to evoke with the game?

Miyamoto: We wanted to create it so that people of all ages could look at it and feel it was for them. I think doing that might have limited its ability. But from my perspective I would say that the latest character from Nintendo would probably be the Miis.

We need not remind Mr. Miyamoto that a character is inherently something defined and not perspectively definable. Let's go all the way crazy and grab that number one definition on dictionary.com:

Char·ac·ter: the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing.

Not until you get to definition number 14 (on dictionary.com) do you even get close to Mr. Miyamoto's aforementioned definition of 'character.' A character is defined, has weight, carries baggage -- and isn't just a blank slate for which you to create yourself. If you suppose each Mii created is it's own character then you do have something, however only on the base level of visual identification. While speech isn't exactly a classic Nintendo character staple, the stories created around these characters have weight that cannot be forgotten when excusing a lack of new characters on your company's part. Either way, the interview is, as they often are with Shigeru Miyamoto, jam packed with thoughtful information and careful explanation. Enjoy.

Uwe Boll is Never Making a WoW Movie...Ever

And seriously, thanks to the benevolent being that granted us with this truth. According to the MTV Movies Blog, "The Bowl" (or "The Bowel", depending on what day you ask us) approached Blizzard's Paul Sams about a movie adaptation of their cash producing virtual ziggurat and Sams had this to say in response, "We will not sell the movie rights, not to you…especially not to you." Boll continued digging his own personal ditch by adding, "Because it’s such a big online game success, maybe a bad movie would destroy that ongoing income, what the company has with it."

Even Uwe Boll himself knows the movies he directs are bad, apparently the hypothetical ones as well. In case you were looking to read more hilarious quotes from the man who needs a good PR assistant more than anyone, the rest of the piece can be found here.

Casual Monday Addendum -- This Game is Hard as Shit Edition

This fine Monday we present you with, no joke, The World's Hardest Game. Of course, hard is really a subjective term. Tabuu was hard to beat in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, but let's be honest -- he's a cheap son of a bitch. I guess what I'm getting at is this game ain't much better. Created by Armor Games, developer of previous Casual Monday showcased game The Last Stand, you may find yourself mad immediately -- the first level is ridiculous. And that's just the first f'ing level. Good luck, sucker!

[UPDATE] Seriously, this game is ridiculously hard. When it says, "DON'T EVEN BOTHER TRYING.", it's not joking.

Casual Monday -- Too Many Games Edition

Here at QP, we normally spend all weekend meticulously combing the large, interconnected tubes (sometimes called 'The Internet'), looking in every dark and dusty corner to find your Monday morning casual gaming goodness. Well, it was a busy weekend and as such, you get hit with the old standby -- EveryVideoGame.com being that very standby. Not to say it's not worth your time! Clearly it is, boasting legitimately hundreds (if not thousands) of titles from NES in America, Japan and Europe.

They're all remade in flash, just for you. You can even use a compatible controller so as to quell the rage that comes with playing NES games on a keyboard. Now go get to playing! Go ahead and try out that amazing Virtual Console game that was released today before you spend those virtual bucks! Say something else that requires exclamation points!

Virtual Console Gets Beat the Hell Up

This Friday, River City Ransom turns 19. Coincidentally or not, Nintendo has chosen today as it's Virtual Console release day and thrilled we certainly are. You've probably played NES brawler Double Dragon (and it's iterations), but have you ever experienced the rush of blocky, pixelated RPG-inspired ass-kicking that comes with running the rough streets of River City? Are you ready to hit up that kind of rush?

Ok, but seriously, this is an amazing game. We don't normally even announce Virtual Console games here on QP but this is a special exception -- this game dominated my childhood (at least until 1992, when SNES arrived in my house.) It plays just like Double Dragon except there are a ton of (years ahead of their time) RPG elements, adding depth and replayability (as well as a hell of a lot of engaging content.) The story is cheeky, the characters all have ridiculous names -- it's damn near perfect. If you're going to spend five of your hard earned virtual bucks on anything, this is our number one suggestion.

Why are you still here reading? Go help save Cyndi and River City High from the clutches of the evil "Slick"! Seeya 'round the caf.

(via Joystiq)

Week-End Podcast Roundup -- The Wait Until GTAIV Edition

Today is April the 18th and hot damn if we're not getting psyched for the impending release of Grand Theft Auto IV. The unfortunate downside: the huge padding surrounding it's April 29th release date, filled with nothing but air. Lucky for us, the space is allowing catchup time on all those games we never got around to (expect a Mass Effect postmortem in the next few days, among other things.) In the meantime, well, here you've got a bevy of entertainment choices. In the sake of full disclosure, we're partial to Jeff Green's antics, but we can't help but suggest GFW Radio time and time again. Not only are the cast well educated and well spoken but they discuss a wide variety of interesting topics (from comic books to Lost.) Either way, your weekend is officially on.

GFW Radio (feat. Jeff Green, Shawn Elliott, Sean Malloy, and Ryan Scott)
The GiantBombcast (feat. Jeff Gerstmann and Ryan Davis)
Joystiq Podcast (feat. Chris Grant, Ludwig Kietzmann and Justic McElroy)
The CAGcast (feat Cheapy D and Wombat)
The 1UP Show and 1UP Yours Podcast (feat. Garnett Lee, Shane Bettenhausen, ???, and Shawn Elliott)

Hopefully Quartermann isn't dropping any bombshells in this week's 1UP Yours podcast, as last week's surprise was a bit too much for our fragile hearts. As per usual, you'll be kept solidly updated throughout the weekend, as our schedule permits. It's the f'ing weekend! We have to play videogames sometimes!

Sexiest Videogame Characters

MSNBC has a piece up about the "top five sexiest videogame characters," which got me thinking what my own list of sexiness would look like. I disagree with...well, pretty much all of their list, except maybe Lara Croft and Dante. Gordon Freeman looks like Ned Flanders and Agent 47 is just....not my cup of tea. So! I give you, in no particular order, the ladies and gentlemen that made me swoon just a little bit when they popped up on my TV.



Balthier (Final Fantasy XII) - Ah, yes, Balthier. Finally a sexy, sassy, fashionable male character in an FF game that doesn't irritate the hell out of me. Plus he has that whole thing with a woman with rabbit ears, and that's gotta be worth something.


Eva (Metal Gear Solid 3) - Eva was an interesting character, one who I never quite figured out. She was a smart cookie too, and I'm looking forward to seeing her in MGS4, even if she's getting a bit old.


Zack (Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII) - Zack's up there with Balthier in the club of sexy FF men. Definitely better than his pseudo protégé Cloud, anyway. Plus, he's the only man other than Snake who can pull off a mullet.


Kid (Chrono Cross) - This makes me feel dirty, since she's supposed to be 16 in the game. In my defense, I was 13 in 2000 when CC came out and I first played it. Anyway, eating disorder aside, isn't Kid just the cutest little thing?! She's crass and offensive, and I fucking love a woman who swears.


Fei Fong Wong (Xenogears) - I never actually beat Xenogears, so I don't know much about his actual character, but he certainly looks sexy, what with his chiseled abs and stunning features. Plus he was a pretty mean martial artist, which is definitely sexy.


Quistis Trepe (Final Fantasy VIII) - Yeah, another RPG character. Sue me. Quistis gets hotness points for three reasons: She carries a whip, she wears glasses, and she told off Rinoa for being the whiny whore that she was. Be still my heart!

Game Crazy Buyer Says Crazy Things

You probably know GameStop, Earth's number one videogame retailer (in terms of dollars, not quality), but have you heard of their only direct market competitor (in the U.S.), Game Crazy? To put some perspective on their market holdings, in QP's hometown of Philadelphia there are three Game Crazy locations -- as compared to 10 GameStop locations littered throughout the City of Brotherly Love.

Know 'em or not, their word means something when publicly expressed, especially when it's regarding a controversial subject like the upcoming release of Grand Theft Auto IV. Daily Game recently spoke with Game Crazy's buyer Dave Hulegaard about how he thinks the release of GTAIV on both Xbox 360 and PS3 simultaneously will affect the console war. Daily Game even goes so far as to preface the piece with, "[And] he uses some concrete pre-order and sales numbers to illustrate his point." Not so much -- this is what they're calling "concrete pre-order and sales numbers":

"In the past when there has been a multi-platform release, the Xbox 360 version generally had higher sales. However, [based on pre-order information at Game Crazy and general console trends] we've been seeing a much closer split between the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360. For example, Devil May Cry 4 sales had one of the closest splits between the two consoles than any other major title to date."

We humbly offer to him that, as the established base of Playstation 3 consoles grows, the pre-order statistics (specifically pre-order statistics and especially of titles like DMC4) for Xbox 360 and PS3 games will reach an almost perfect 50/50 equilibrium. There may never be an equal number of PS3/Xbox 360 consoles in houesholds but pre-order statistics don't necessarily reflect established user base numbers, nonetheless on a one-to-one basis. Pre-order statistics are a poor reflection of mainstream saturation, unless we're talking blockbuster, Halo/Mario/GTA territory and we're measuring more than the number two videogame retailer in the United States.

While his piece makes some valid points that are worth reading, we're now more likely to turn to Michael Pachter for our fiduciary advice. So what about you, dearest QP reader? How do you think GTAIV will affect console sales?

An Open Letter To You

A few weeks ago I was ribbed (by an unnamed person, unrelated to my group of friends) for my affection of video games. Said person returned from a wholly purposeful activity and exclaimed to me, "Oh my God! You're still playing videogames?!" Of course the statement wasn't meant in the light of my entire life, but rather the span of an hour or two.

I was silent -- it's not easy to put fools in their place and battle phazon enhanced space pirates at the same time. However, it got me thinking, and not for the first time, about one specific stigma of videogames and how they are perceived by the public: videogames are for children. But really, what are 'videogames'? In their most stripped down state, videogames are media, akin to movies, books, television, and newspaper. Merriam-Webster says videogames are, "an electronic game played by means of images on a video screen and often emphasizing fast action.", and that's a definition from 1973.

In the giant lake of fire that is American Media there are several distinctions, or categories. Adult movies (let's go ahead and include porn in there since that's probably what everyone assumes I mean), chick flicks, romance novels, and *gasp* children's books? Take away the modifiers and you simply have media.

The thing that really gets to me is that all media is, regardless of how young the target audience, created by adults. These childish ideas are formed in the minds of full grown adults. Nobody derided Dr. Suess because he wrote for children. Toy Story, and Shrek were critically acclaimed and enjoyed by people of all ages. Does that somehow make fans 'childish'?

The fact of the matter is that some videogames are intended for children, some for adults, and some for everyone. Much like the rest of the media, there are games that cross multiple demographics. My owning an Xbox doesn't make me any less mature than you owning a DVD player does, it's merely a conduit for an experience. If we really want to get on people's cases and make them feel inferior (which believe me, I'm all about), let's open up those consoles and DVD players. Let's browse your collection of books. Let's see how mature you are by what kind of media you ingest.

Really what I think it boils down to, on a personal level, is people are forced to grow up and be serious and give up certain things they did as kids. Somehow the videogame got mixed in with Tickle Me Elmo. People who think videogames are for kids have either A) Never played Silent Hill (PSX) or B) Are jealous that you had the balls to keep doing something they gave up for percieved 'maturity'. Keep on fighting the good fight, interwebs. And next time someone's been reading for an hour or more in the same place, loudly exclaim, "Oh my God! You're still reading that book?!"

Soul Calibur IV Gets Release Date, 'Limited Edition' (Surprise!)

We're not gonna jerk you around folks, we love us some Soul Calibur. Whether it be in the form of numero uno for Dreamcast, the near perfect PS2/Xbox/GameCube iteration or the nearly broken third entry, we've been competing in the tale of swords and souls for nearly a decade. And today, Namco-Bandai has set June 29th as the release date for SCIV as well as explaining how exactly they're going to gouge our bank accounts for all they're worth.

First and foremost, though you already knew this, Darth Vader and Yoda will be joining the cast of fighters, each remaining exclusive to PS3 and Xbox 360 respectively. There will almost assuredly be an option to download the other character through digital means (read as: Xbox Live and Playstation Network), netting Namco extra, easy, money. Second, Namco today also announced the 'Limited Edition," complete with, "an art book/comic that serves as a prequel leading into the story of Soulcalibur IV, a tournament kit, and exclusive access to 'extra customization content.'" How much more does it retail for? No big whoop, just $79.99 of your hard earned dollars net you all those wonderful things.

Hey, remember when developers/publishers would reward you with free stuff, just for being a big fan? Yeah, us neither.

Home Design Game? Sign Me Up!

Finally, something to do when America's Next Top Model is over! Casual game developer Big Blue Bubble recently announced plans to bring their PC title Home Sweet Home to the burgeoning Nintendo WiiWare service. Known for such iconic titles as Mage Knight: Destiny's Soldier and Atomic Betty, it'd suffice to say we're not expecting Home Sweet Home to escape the baby-game market.

In fairness, as there was clearly a market for The Sims, Big Blue Bubble most likely believes they can win over the hearts (and wallets) of 10-15 year old girls everywhere (oh, and men with home design aspirations, natch.) The thrilling excerpt from their press release below should help to alleviate any fears that this game isn't straight up work:

"Home Sweet Home is a home design game where you will listen and learn about your clients' tastes, create fabulous designs for them, and then direct your build team to assemble it all in front of your eyes."

Oooh! I can hardly contain myself when I hear things like, "learn about your clients' tastes." All we know so far is that this game is coming out on WiiWare sometime in the future (though it's already been released for PC), as Big blue Bubble had a big fat, "No comment." for us when pressed for a release date. Consider our breath officially held.

No Sexy Gun Fun in Aus/NZ GTA4

Gamers in Australia and New Zealand who buy up Grand Theft Auto IV will miss out on a thrilling scene involving a gun in an unpleasant place. Kotaku's resident Aussie, Luke Plunkett, gave Take-Two a jingle to find out what exactly had been cut, and was told "the scene involves a weapon being inserted into an enemies private area during a mission where Niko is taking revenge after one of his close friends was forced into sexual intercourse during his stay in prison."

Well that sounds fun. Times like this, I'm glad to be an American.

Majesco Letter of Sarcasm Made Public

Ex-Gamespotter Alex Navarro, known lately for rogue appearances on the GiantBomb Podcast (Bombcast), today shared with Passive Aggressive Notes an e-mail he received way back in December of 2007 from Majesco regarding his 6.0 review of Cooking Mama 2 on the Nintendo DS and yes, it is just as hilarious as you might imagine. Full of passive-aggressiveness, Majesco's letter allows us all an honest look behind the curtain we otherwise would have missed.

Unfortunately, the letter regrets to mention the job of a reviewer, regardless of the people involved in what they are reviewing. Mr. Navarro's review in no way calls Cooking Mama 2's development team lazy or claims they're bad people, it simply reviews the game they produced. We need not remind the gaming public as a whole the role of a review (of any art/entertainment form) is to inform and criticize. Bits like this show us how dangerous the industry could be if developers/publishers were allowed even more control over public perception of their product; for now, we all have a funny letter to laugh at.

Iron Man: The Game -- Early Impressions

We all know that movies tend to spawn the worst videogames ever made, but we've been curious to see just how the Iron Man videogame was going to be handled ever since seeing the astronomical special effects in the trailer.

We don’t need to tell you just how breathtaking that picture to the right is -- it speaks for itself, what with all it's HDR lighting and Mark III suitiness. We’ve been following the development of Iron Man since its announcement and suffice to say, we’re sitting on the edge of our seats, bated breath held.

There’s a great trailer on the official website chronicling the game’s development. That’s interesting enough, but what you really need to look for are the shots of the gameplay. The graphics you see in that picture we included are the actual in-game graphics (hopefully with minimal PR-special effects added.)

Gameplay is very fast paced, featuring various ground combat and aerial combat levels. Iron Man shoots, flies, and kicks some serious ass.

The game will feature the voice of Robert Downey Jr. in the titular role, so all is well as far as the talent goes. The game is being developed by Secret Level, a satellite of its publisher, SEGA.

The game releases on May 2, 2008; surprisingly, this is the same day as the theater release. We have a suggestion: see the movie, then buy the game on your way home. This way you can enjoy the summer’s blockbuster and what is shaping up to be one of the best movie games ever made (aside from Goldeneye.)

SAT Company Developing Test Prep 'Game'

Couldn't they have done this six years ago and saved me the $800 spent on taking an actual Kaplan SAT prep class? Newsweek's own N'Gai Croal, on his Level Up blog, this morning posted the scoop! wherein Kaplan, "will announce that it is partnering with Aspyr Media to develop an as-yet-untitled SAT test prep game for the Nintendo DS." They've even been so nice as to provide Mr. Croal with a mock-up of the game's character and main screen -- the excitement! -- as you see on the left. According to the aforementioned scoop, "'This is not a study break,' Staloch told us last week during a phone interview. 'This is a way to prepare for the test.'"

The game's main character will apparently, "evolve as you play, doing different animations, opening up different customizations, etc." Though still a long way off, the idea of using a DS to solve logic problems sounds eerily enchanting. With some Professor Layton style storytelling, games like this could be a giant step towards new forms of education entertainment edutainment. At very least, this is a great way for more kids to access this kind of help without paying out the nose -- seriously, we just got off the phone with the folks at Kaplan and it's $1099 for the cheapest SAT Prep package. What the hell?! Luckily, kids today will only have to blame their own inadequacies at playing games if their score is too low. In your face, current generation!

Casual Monday -- Spring is in the Air Edition

Oh Springtime! The scent of freshly cut grass coming through the open window where I'm comfortably sitting on a futon, thoroughly enjoying Mass Effect. The official Quarterplay review is coming soon (and incredibly late, by internet news standards) -- maybe we'll call it the Mass Effect postmortem. Either way, it's Monday again, meaning of course it's time to enjoy some more free casual fare, courtesy of your benevolent overlords friends here at QPHQ.

This week we present you, dear reader, with The Game of Disorientation -- a fresh take on top down platforming, coming to you from the folks (single dude?) at Jiggmin. You control a lonely fellow and guide his journey around a small, terrifying room, often filled with spikes, hairpin turns and most terrifying of all....doppelgangers. Yup, I said it. The piece of the puzzle that challenges TGoD's traditionalism is in it's camera views. As opposed to presenting the player with navigation challenges, the game tries it's best to confuse the hell out of you by switching the orientation of the camera, which in turn results in objects that are seriously distorted as well as your character orientation becoming more and more confusing. You can pick up the game and finish it in 10 minutes (and in as little time as 2:33, if you're so inclined to top a leaderboard.)

Though we're inclined to buck trends rather than proliferate them, it seems we have one on our hands here with Casual Monday's pimping of Kongregate.com. The service has simply blown up in popularity since we first spoke about it way back when and it even got a bump from WhatTheyPlay founder (and ex-EGM Editorial Director) John Davison on the infamous 1UP Yours podcast. We again suggest to you that you snag an account and start building those new achievement points -- though we should also warn you, we are meth addicts. At least for achievement points. We'll see you here next week folks, with more free gaming goodness for you. Try saying that five times fast!

Quartermann Can't Help But Spill the Beans

Those of you out there enjoying your weekend, what with all this beautiful weather, may have missed the latest 1UP Yours podcast -- though we can't feel responsible, as we do always remind you. Guest starring Geoff "Dean of Games Journalism" Keighley and Newsweek's N'Gai Croal, the usual crew chat about some interesting topics, ranging from EA's recent rescinding of plans to charge for Battlefield: Bad Company weapons to Denis Dyack's vision of a "one console future."

While all these things were all well and good, with between 21 and 20 minutes left in the show, EGM Executive Editor Shane Bettenhausen simply couldn't help himself amidst talk of the upcoming Xbox 360 "waggle wand" and spilled some serious beans:

"Sony also has a waggle wand, not for PS2, but for PS3."

Continuing, he says:

"Specifically with the PS3 one, it's not just a waggle wand, it's some sort of transforming controller that has multiple configurations. Call of Duty 5's gonna use it. Resistance 2's gonna use it. Apparently it's real....It was gonna be for Quartermann but I couldn't sit on it, so, don't tell him I told you."


There you go "kiddies", as Mr. Bettenhausen himself would say. Too bad we don't have an MS Paint mockup of the one he's referencing as well. Stay tuned! It could happen any day! Stranger things have happened.

Ziff Davis Says Goodbye to Another Staffer

You heard about Ziff, man? He's gettin' played! First, his boy Luke Smith leaves for the comfy community manager seat at Bungie Studios. Then, his mentor (one of the head kahunas!) John Davison parts ways to start up something regarding children, parents and videogames. Oh, and he got punked the worst when his main man Mark McDonald left to simply wander the earth (a lot like Kane in Kung-Fu.) I don't know if he's gonna make it through this time -- Editorial Director Dan "Shoe" Hsu is leaving!

We could go on with our personification of the Ziff Davis Media group as a single man (named Ziff Davis -- how clever!), however, it's running pretty thin. For the purposes of full disclosure, personally, I'm a big fan of Electronic Gaming Monthly. Even furthermore, I'm a big fan of the integrity Dan "Shoe" Hsu brought to my favorite gaming magazine for the past gaggle of years. (Some examples of why he deserves this respect can be found here and here, among other places.)

Though we're pretty sure this doesn't spell the end for Electronic Gaming Monthly, it certainly doesn't help with public perception, especially in the context of their recent Chapter 11 filings. Shoe tries his best to soothe public reaction by noting in his personal blog, "This is my own decision; I'm not being forced out or laid off or anything like that. And this is not related to the recent news about Games for Windows: The Official Magazine (and I hope I'm not stealing any thunder away from those guys -- that's not my intention here). It's just time for me to move on."

In the meantime, Sam Kennedy (formerly Site Director of 1UP.com) has taken the reigns as Editorial Director of the 1UP Network (meaning the website, the magazine, etc. -- the whole shebang.) While there's still plenty of talent floating around the Ziff Davis offices, we hope the future of EGM isn't currently in question by the men in suits with the money. Again, on a personal note, I've been reading the magazine since I was eight years old and it would be a sad sad day to see them go. We're holding fast hope for the future of the Ziff Davis Media group. Let's hope y'all out there on these giant interconnected tubes feel the same.

Week-End Podcast Roundup -- The Future is Now Edition

Well if it ain't been a busy week here on these giant interconnected tubes! Between the public stoning firing of Josh Larson and the veritable crucifixion of Games for Windows Magazine in the context of PC gaming journalism (we'll miss you GFW and furthermore, we'll keep reading you all on 1UP.com), our heads are spinning! Or maybe it's just the goddamn typhoon in the water from Phantom Hourglass that keeps picking up our hearty vessel and tossing her back into the cold, unforgiving waters. Either way, as Mr. Lee of 1UP Yours! is so inclined to remind us, weekend confirmed...

GFW Radio (feat. Jeff Green, Shawn Elliott, Sean Malloy, and Ryan Scott)
The GiantBombcast (feat. Jeff Gerstmann and Ryan Davis)
Joystiq Podcast (feat. Chris Grant, Ludwig Kietzmann and Justic McElroy)
The CAGcast (feat Cheapy D and Wombat)
The 1UP Show and 1UP Yours Podcast (feat. Garnett Lee, Shane Bettenhausen, ???, and Shawn Elliott)

And you know what? To hell with it. Just because we're upset at what CNet did months ago doesn't mean we can't show love to a podcast we've been listening to forever and, regardless of it's losses over the past year, is still hilarious. Of course we're talking about...

The HotSpot (feat. Vinnie Caravella, Brian Ekberg, assorted GameSpotters)

Enjoy this bounty of listening goodness. Forget about that 'nice spring weather' people keep talking about. Don't you prefer the warm glow of this monitor anyway? Seeya on the weekend folks!

Grand Theft Auto IV: A Limited Edition Worth Buying?

An ongoing trend in gaming has been to release (at least) two SKUs: a standard retail edition (just the game) and it's more expensive counterpart (the 'limited edition.') A lot of these packages (such as Devil May Cry 4) are really lacking in content for your dollar; however, every once in a while, we are treated to a truly fantastic and worthwhile limited edition (such as Bioshock, even if the mini-Big Daddy’s arm was broken.) Luckily, taking a cue from earlier successes, Rockstar Games has announced their incredible limited edition.

The limited edition bundle, which will retail for $89.99, is a myriad of wonderful GTA IV related products. For starters, the whole thing will be given to you in a functional, fireproof, GTA IV emblazoned lock box. Bolt that thing to the floor of your closet and keep your valuables in there (ed. -- will my original Famicom copy of Doki Doki Panic fit?!) You’ll also receive a GTA IV art book, and soundtrack CD (traditionally, the GTA soundtracks have been at least seven or eight albums in length.) This leads us to conclude that this is going to either be background music from the game or a sampler. Either way, we're cool. Also included in the package is a black duffel bag that, unless I’m wrong, will either have the GTA IV logo or the Rockstar logo on it. You’ll also receive the game, of course.

Buying this is definitely a worthwhile purchase (Simple math: lockbox + duffel bag + GTA4 = win.) It’s a steep price tag, but one that we don’t mind so much this time. We recommend reserving this at your nearest game retailer as (supposedly, like the cat helmet) it’s a very limited production and it would be a cryin' shame to miss out on all this schwag.

A limited edition worth buying? We think so.


*Note: Even though the PS3 version is pictured, it is available for the Xbox 360 as well. I just couldn't find a decent sized picture of the Xbox 360 bundle.*

Wii Tart... I Mean Kart

What if I told you there was a brand new five minute Mario Kart Wii trailer? Now what if I told you it wasn't exactly so much a trailer as a leaked gameplay video? And what if I replaced five minutes with two hours? What if you hadn't already seen this via Wii Fanboy?

OH THE IMPLICATIONS!

Guitar Hero Goes "On Tour"...Loyal Fans Lament

Do you see that, loyal Guitar Hero players? Take a good look at it. Activision will have you believe that it is Guitar Hero: On Tour, releasing on the Nintendo DS in June. I see it as something different: it is the symbol of Activision’s mutation of Guitar Hero as a respectable franchise into a cash cow.

Before I degrade Guitar Hero: On Tour, here’s what it’s all about. Activision wanted to make Guitar Hero go wherever you go, not unlike a stalker. Worse, instead of dressing the stalker up like a shady dude and making him look creepy, they’ve disguised this stalker as one of your best and most loyal friends.

In order to wield the beast you see above, you must hold your Nintendo DS in what is called “vertical book orientation” (see Brain Age.) For strumming, you will use a “specialized stylus-shaped pick” to strum. For hold notes, performing small rotations on the string will activate the whammy effect. For fretting, Activision has decided to include a small peripheral that has four buttons – translation: the orange button got axed.

Now there are a million reasons why this is going to make me angry, but near the top of the list is the lack of orange. Of all my friends, I know that many of them were doing fine (playing GH 1-3) on Easy and Medium but hit a brick wall on Hard and Expert simply because of the orange button (though in Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock, “Raining Blood” sufficed as the block.)

So without the orange, consider this: many of your favorite Guitar Hero tracks would be impossible. The following tracks would not have been possible without orange: “Jordan,” “Hangar 18,” “Raining Blood,” “Through the Fire and the Flames,” “YYZ,” and many other songs, just to name a few. Furthermore, without orange, the game technically should have no higher difficulty than Medium, though I imagine they’ll be upping the complication and frequency of the buttons to make up for this (poorly.)

What else is wrong with the game? Plenty. The arrangement of the buttons is a big mistake -- you’re going to hold this thing out in front of you, and strum onto the DS (which I’m sure will result in plenty of sobbing children, broken DS on the ground.) The challenge of this game is going to be non-existent; finger-tapping, a skill that only the Guitar Hero elite possessed before, will now be available to the masses.

The developers decided at this point, “Hey, you’re already looking silly enough, what with a large multicolored tumor sticking out from your DS! Forget about tilting anything to activate “Star Power,” let’s make you shout at your handheld gaming system!” That’s right, Activision has decided that in order to activate “Star Power,” you’re going to have to exclaim “Rock Out!” into the Nintendo DS’ pitiful powerful microphone. This is one of those ideas. You know those ideas. Conceptually it’s not a bad idea, until anyone asks a question like, “Isn’t this a portable system? Won’t people look like complete asses shouting into their portable system?”

If it’s portable, why do I have to scream at the Nintendo DS? I, like many other commuters, play my Nintendo DS along my commute. I’m quite sure that no one sharing a bus or train with me will be bothered by me repeatedly screaming “Rock Out!” at my Nintendo DS until it finally complied (if it ever does) while they are trying to read their newspapers. Considering QPHQ is based out of Philadelphia, chances are I’d end up shot. And probably laughed at by the other passengers (that’s AFTER the shooting.)

Talking about any Guitar Hero game would be impossible without mention of the track list. While no particular songs have been announced, there is discussion of getting master tracks from Nirvana, OK Go, and No Doubt. (A song by OK Go, “Do What You Want,” was used in the official trailer, but since Velvet Revolver’s “Slither,” was used in the trailer for Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock, and did not appear in the game until much later as downloadable content, don’t hold your breath for “Do What You Want.”)

I visited the official website for Guitar Hero: On Tour to try and find more about the soundtrack and all I could find was this snippet, "the most diverse set of master tracks ever on a Guitar Hero game." Ironically, the game’s press release had more info than the promotional website, stating, “the most diverse set list of master tracks ever offered in a Guitar Hero game, including classic rock, alternative and pop favorites such as Nirvana, OK Go and No Doubt.” I’m wondering just how much “diversity” Activision will squeeze onto that little Nintendo DS cartridge, but I guess I’ll found out in June.

Like so many other Guitar Hero loyalists, I shivered at the thought of this game. Now it’s apparent that my worst nightmare is coming true; Guitar Hero sold out. Activision has become so concerned with putting out a new Guitar Hero every October, creating nonsense expansion packs, and now, producing a ridiculous incarnation of the game, I’m afraid they’ve forgotten what this franchise is about -- sitting back with a couple friends and feeling like an idiot as you rock out in your living room.

Look forward to the exciting second part of this article in June when I will blow $49.99 on Guitar Hero: On Tour just to spare all of you from having to buy it.

Metal Gear Solid 4 Getting the Halo 3 Treatment

As if $130 cat helmets weren't enough. In Japan, Hideo Kojima and co. know how to really get your money. Pricing was handed down from Konami today detailing the (have you heard this before?) three SKUs they're selling MGS4 under.

There's everyone's favorite, the basic $60 price point. Unsurprisingly, there's also a "Limited Edition," priced at $85 and, according to Konami's press release:

"Featuring collectible packaging with exclusive artwork by famed Kojima Productions illustrator Yoji Shinkawa, the Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots Limited Edition will contain everything that is included with the Standard Edition as well as an additional Blu-ray disc featuring two "making of" documentaries. The documentaries will include extensive interviews with Metal Gear Solid creator Hideo Kojima and the Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots Soundtrack CD. The Limited Edition will be available exclusively at GameStop."

You catch that last line? Available only at GameStop. As Kotaku stated, "While the release is pretty straight forward about this, saying the game will only be available in North America on June 12 through GameStop, I actually called to verify and was told that as of right now they have no plans on selling it anywhere else...in North America. Ever." That's no joke. But here's the kicker, there's a third SKU that you may not have considered. We're dubbing it the, "Milk You For All You're Worth" SKU. Yep, that's right, it's the whole damn system. This thing right here.

The argument in favor of purchasing this system is clear, as we've discussed before. If you don't own a PS3 yet (like us) then this is the SKU for you to get. Unfortunately, if you're a helpless MGS freak and you already own a PS3, well, you're probably pretty upset right now -- though in fairness, unlike the Halo 3 version of this for Xbox 360, the PS3 you'd end up with doesn't come in "Metal Gear Grey" or have an etching of Solid Snake's glorious new mustache. This SKU costs $499.99 (which, again, is a bargain considering what you'll get in the package) and will most likely leave you grinning ear to ear (that is, unless you're bringing home this big box to a standard definition television.) All this stuff is available on June 12, just in case you forgot.